August 12, 2006 - Day 4 - Week 19 - I Was Forewarned

There is a category within the male genus where the feeling of invincibility is not shed following the teenage years.  For those men, and they are legion, the attitude that ‘it won’t happen to me’ is quite common and the behavior reflects this worldview.  I was not one of those men, yet, I must admit that I thought my body had a little more immune system strength than apparently was the case.

That being said, I have done well during chemo and many people have remarked how well I appear on the outside.  Today I am not doing so well on the inside.

Katy and Laura, or as they are affectionately calling themselves on their 2200 mile journey, Thelma and Louise, have already witnessed forest fires, an overturned car, a dead deer on the highway, bumper to bumper traffic, and that was just on the first day. We check in regularly and they assume today may be an 800 mile day.   Katy left behind a list of honey-do’s and feeling a bit guilty not being able to accompany Laura I set out early to complete the list.

Wrong!  I work an hour and must rest an hour.  Whenever I stand I am dizzy. Shortness of breath and coughing infiltrate my waking hours.  In other words, I have flu like symptoms at a time when I am usually beginning to feel better; as I related just yesterday.  I am wondering if the extra medication is affecting my equilibrium or am I just experiencing what I was told to expect; around treatment 5 you would have a cumulative effect of the drugs.  Whatever, the cause, I am learning patience with my own condition and an extra measure of empathy for people experiencing the rigors of chemo therapy.

Well meaning and solicitous friends have extended dinner invitations but I have declined knowing that I will be in bed by eight o’clock tonight.  Sleep is a key ingredient in our lives and becomes more important as the immune system is weakened.  Throughout my life I have taken for granted my energy level.  I have often remarked that I have been able to accomplish more in a day than many people can in a week.  That is now being re-evaluated.

Most people can accomplish in a day what I am able to tackle in a week.   It would be of interest to chart on a graph the ups and downs of individuals undergoing chemical therapy.  For me the roller coaster effect is becoming more pronounced and that is annoying me.  I was convinced that I would continue to feel better, not worse, yet the jury is out.  Maybe the fortune teller who reads palms, the astrologist who reads the stars, and the psychic who concentrates on our aura‘s could have foreseen the inevitable; heck maybe that is what I will do on Sunday.  Church, gym and then Madame Morrom might be the morning agenda to discern what lies ahead.

In the interim, I will slowly achieve success on the honey do list and if it is not all completed by Tuesday I will ask for an extension.   In addition, I get re scanned on Monday to see the over-all progress of tumor reduction.  I will report on this Monday night.

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