July 12, 2006 - Day 1 - Week 15 - For The First Time I Can Identify

We went to a special dinner party last evening, and for the first time I felt awkward and out of place because I had cancer and had to keep telling people about it.  But first, the good news.

The celebration of Mr. Arthur (Bart) Bartholomew’s visit to Los Angeles was orchestrated by his California family – children, grandchildren, long time friends, and new additions to the circle shared a delightful evening of reconnection. Mr. Bart was counted out a couple of years ago and the family has marveled at his recovery and joie de vivre. (Joy of life)  His sense of humor was intact, his energy was evident throughout the evening, and we all felt emboldened by being in his presence.  I had the good fortune of sitting opposite him during dinner, and next to his wonderful care giver and one of his lovely granddaughters.  The food was good, the setting over-looking the ocean spectacular, and everyone toasted Mr. Bart and the evening with great enthusiasm.

Here is the tough part that occurred naturally for me last night.  Many cancer patients have told me repeatedly how they just did not want to talk about their illness.  Now, in part, I think I understand why. First of all, this was the first semi-large gathering I had been in since the discovery of my cancer. I knew 95% of the 40 people attending, but only about 50% of the folks knew of my situation.  One old friend said upon seeing me, “You look great, how are you Peter?”  Do I lie, or do I respond straight up, I have cancer?  If I avoid the truth then we can go on talking about other matters, but if I respond as I am prone to do in all but very few situations with the truth then I am faced with more questions and having to be the center of the conversation for quite some time. Granted old friends are concerned, but I shifted back and forth on my feet as I fielded at least a ½ dozen questions from the 3 friends who surrounded me.

As the evening progressed many people told me they were praying for me, keeping me in their daily meditation, and several hugged me that had never hugged me before.  By the end of the evening my discomfort level was noticeable, I do not think the disquiet I felt was evident to others, but certainly to me.  I am now also far enough into the process that I have forgotten who I have told and who I have not.  One person asked how I was doing and I said that I was undergoing chemo therapy for cancer, and they responded I know.  I felt foolish that I had not remembered I had told him, but he reminded me that I had.  In the typical stand up cocktail party setting you usually only have brief conversations and then the next old friend saddles up and the reconnection dance begins anew.  Friends should be concerned about friends, but it is hard for me to consistently be the center of the dialogue, and yet my being open may encourage others to risk sharing their story for in the long run I feel everyone will benefit.

This was a good lesson for me and certainly made me feel more empathy for others who are not as comfortable in social settings or at ease talking about their personal story as I am.  I went home also with a sense that in each family circle someone has been touched by cancer.  Once again, be kind for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle.

Back to Week 15