July 1, 2006 - Day 4 - Week 13 - Why Me, Why Us, Why Now?

Have you ever asked why me, after receiving bad news or experiencing great emotional pain?  This question seems to be universal, totally acceptable as a response, yet never really examined for what it represents.  When diagnosed with cancer, a seventeen year old young lad legitimately wonders, why me God, why me?  If cancer is for the aging in our culture, and for many that is not true,  why are so many young woman like our daughter afflicted, and why do so many have to wonder, why me?

Years ago a popular book attempted to address why bad things happen to good people, without coming up with any concrete answers. Throughout anyone’s life, upon reflection and examination, there is the inter-play of joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and hope and despair.  No family seems to be immune from the tragedy side, and few individuals are able to describe their existence as a challenge free life.

When told by Dr. Prudente that I probably had lymphoma, and this was confirmed by Dr. Piro  as mantle cell lymphoma I asked, in almost a knee jerk reaction, why me?   When I asked why me, I expressed anger, dismay, and frustration.  I was too young, I had too much to accomplish, I had too many people I love that I wanted to keep seeing, and I was not ready for having to deal with the side effects of cancer. When I asked why me, I also attached God to the question. as if The Almighty had something to do with my cancer.  Why me God was a common response upon learning of being told one has a life altering, and perhaps life threatening disease. As a priest of the church I have heard this question posed often.

This week the common scenario became all too real again as Jennifer heard the news of her cancer and asked why me?

For years I have been at the bedside of people who quietly asked, why God, why me? As an emissary or acting spokesperson for God I supposedly had insights above and beyond others; which to this day remains a myth, but totally adopted by our culture as reality.  I might take their hand, look at them with empathy in my heart, and say I do not have a clue as to why you have breast or cervical cancer.  I had to say the same thing to my own daughter and that is not an easy assignment.

Nelly my primary nurse at the Angeles Clinic, and my eyes and ears into the real world of what cancer patients experience, shared with me that many people ask why, and she can never provide an answer that is adequate. She shook her head wishing that an easy answer could be provided to help the hundreds of individuals who come to the clinic. As a professional care giver with a warm and accepting heart, Nellie reflects the feelings of many who must comfort and support people with cancer.

When why me comes out of our mouths we usually follow it with what did I do to deserve this?  Did I do something bad and am I being punished?  Did I compromise my own health?  Is there anything in my life that I would do differently?  Is this my one wake up call in life?

Obviously each is as difficult to answer as the next.  Therefore, what should be our response as a loving family member or a caregiver if we know we can not answer directly the question, why me? The best we can often do is to be present when the doubt arises. Sometimes there are answers like poor diet, smoking, pesticide exposure, or workplace causes, but more often than not cancer catches us unaware and without easy answers.

For me, the issue became, why not me?   Why not me rather than someone else?  No I am not offering myself up as a martyr, but rather reflecting that in life there is always a reason for things, and sometimes it takes awhile for our wisdom to discern the truth.   I think anyone with white hair can identify with the idea; I would rather it be me than my children or grandchildren, or any child for that matter.

Hold a good thought for those who wonder why and let’s all combine our collective wisdom to find out why cancer happens so that fewer people have to inquire, why me and why now.

Back to Week 13