June 16, 2006 - Day 3 - Week 11 - No Story Too Trivial

Tell a friend you have cancer and the immediate response, after an expression of empathy, goes something like this:  “I just got home from our trip and my daughter’s best friend has been diagnosed with lymphoma.”   “My brother underwent surgery for prostate cancer this week.”  “It seems no one is exempt.  We are all healthy, or so we thought, and now my wife is battling breast cancer.  It came from nowhere.”

After hearing all of this, the recipient, and in this case it is I, must reverse roles immediately.  Whether trained or not we are asked to become good listeners and pastors at the same time when our story is shared.  In my case, I am comfortable with this role and the stories of others have strengthened my resolve to find answers to perplexing and elusive questions like why, why did a loved one get cancer?

However, I am now beginning to understand one reason why Katy’s cousin did not want anyone to know about her cancer.  Many people with cancer are ill prepared to accept and understand the unintended consequences of the illness becoming public knowledge. It seems that cancer is becoming as common as the cold, yet we have had little education learning how to respond when someone offers “my brother just died of cancer.”

As I have opened my story to others, the stories of others have dramatically impacted my understanding of cancer and its consequences.  One of those learning’s involves the need of many friends and acquaintances to have an outlet for discussing their or a family members illness.  Doctors, ministers, psychologists and friends are the primary listeners in our culture today, but many of us are ill prepared to respond directly.

Becoming a sounding board, listening post, or receptacle for emotional letting go goes hand in hand with having cancer.  Telling someone you have mantel cell lymphoma triggers the next question, what is that; but quickly, and understandably the dialogue turns into story telling.  Cancer patients hear the concern in the voices of many because cancer touches everyone’s life in some form today.

Thus, and this is not in any book, there needs to be a set of guidelines for the cancer patient who goes public with her or his illness.  People genuinely care about me getting well, and that feeling I feel will help me process whatever comes my way, but people also are quick to tell their experience with the disease.  This is where the learning curve must be accelerated.

The reversal looks like this:  How does the patient adequately minister to the person that is well?  How many times in our lives have we learned from a sick friend, an aging parent, a dying relative, or an injured acquaintance?  For me, it has been a constant process.

I know that my gaining strength during the cancer dance is essential and my strength will come from many sources external to me.  As I learn of the courage of the young mother diagnosed with breast cancer, or the friend with prostate cancer I am lifted up with renewed energy. Each story asks that I be attentive to the truth or truths contained within.  No story is too trivial to discount and dismiss.

Now we must help one another develop skills to be a better active listener so that the collective wisdom can assist all on the journey to health and wellness. Thanks for listening.

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